Scolding Reviews-The King of Fighters

Do NOT wake up with the king.

 Fighting games and Movies have not yet found a perfect blend. Mortal Kombat was a cheesefest, Street Fighter was campy, then boring, Dead or Alive was  a breezy actioneer with plenty of hot ladies. And I'm not holding my breath for Soul Calibur.

No, I don't think I should.

But the King of the bad fighting game adaptation has now been crowned. KOF is so completely and consistently terrible, It would take Uwe Boll adapting War Gods to possibly rival it.

This isn't so bad it's good. This is so bad, you apologize to people before it ends. Let me put it this way: You know Ray Park, Stuntman/martial artist/actor had his voiced dubbed in Star Wars: Ep: I because he was TOO BAD FOR STAR WARS EPISODE I? He's one of the best actors in this wretched pile.

I don't really know how faithful KOF is too the games. I'm more of a Capcom guy, and what I know from KOF comes mostly from Mugen, frankly. So I guess fandom isn't why this film is so terribad.

It begins with a shower scene with no nudity, as we meet Mai, who is one of our leads. Mai as I understand it is played for laughs/fanservice, with her ridiculously bouncy breasts and her crush on something called an "Andy". Here, she is neither funny, not really THAT sexy. I mean, she's hot, but they should have gotten a pornstar.  I usually don't make that kind of casting suggestion, but it's not like this movie's acting would be worsened by it.

Here's Maggie Q, looking more like Mai than she does on this movie.

So Mai puts this holographic hearing aid, and she's seemingly drifts magically to a meat locker and gets into a mock fight with a douche in a coat. I say a mockfight because neither of them seem to be into it. It seems serious enough, there's balls of snakes flying and some things the fighters do cause electricity and stuff, but they're friends. Friends who punch  each other in the chest with lightening.

So Mai wins, and the titles are shown, while discount store  Linkin Park plays. It's gawfull.

Later we meet Iori, who I think is KOF's Akuma. Fittingly, here he looks like Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game's Akuma .

Look at me! I'm an airplane! Ewwwwwwrn!

Iori is Mai's boyfriend or some shit. And as a romantic gesture after a century of vague talk, he takes her to the Boston Cultural Museum to exhibit the SUPER TREASURE TRINKETS OF POWER. She's worried that this MIGHTY SUPER POWERFUL TRINKETS are exposed  to being stolen, but whoever it is is running the whole tournament thing(did not get it, they where practically muttering) likes to show off.

The the villain shows up, waves a gun around and steals them.

Hey, If I can't show of my super Macguffin at a museum with  3 guards, why did we move to Boston for?

Our villain Rugal, played by Ray Park, is apparently a former fighter of the whole interdimensional tournament thing. So he shows up puts a gun to the guards, slashes up the tournaments matron figure, and while Iori and Mai are tending to her, loots the hell out of the treasures.

The security is terrible, but I guess you would expect the worlds strongest interdimentional fighters to be able to deal with one guy with a gun.

Seriously, shoot him.

With the Super trinkets of power, Iori now controls the other dimension and  can freely do anything on it. The other dimension is nothing special, visually. Mostly abandoned warehouses and empty, dirty hallways. I mean, it's less Outworld and more broken down housing projects. My hope is that this dimension's version of the JLA are all Hobos.

So skip to  somewhere else, where Kyo, who should maybe be a little Asian, if only because his Japanese father, who is comatose in bed is reading some philosophy and remembering that he used to train with him. . His dad eyerolls at his terrible acting.

Mai is also shown to meet with her boss, because she's a CIA agent. Her boss is called Terry Bogard, though  he doesn't look anything like the guy I downloaded for Mugen.

Eventually Mai and Iori meet Kyo at his father's bedside, which awakens Kyo's dad, and also drives him murderous rage/heart failiure.

Meanwhile, Rugal has been trying to convince fighters that it's cool  to enter the game, even though the Matron woman says that it's totally dangerous.

Cue the lesbians! These two...well, we only know  they do Yoga so I guess Yogi women called Vice and Mature(Seriously, who names a kid VICE?) decide the two of them can totally handle it. So they enter the dimension together, which they didn't even know was allowed. Didn't KOF had a tag team option somewhere?

THIS REALLY IS A PRODUCTION IMAGE OF IT.

Rugal appears to them first as a street hockey player. It is very sad.  Rugal proceeds to act like an idiot and kick their asses. He then sort of makes out with one of them and I think that steals her soul or something? And then blackmails the other into getting more fighters for him to kill. Then I think he rapes her.

 You may think I am kidding, so I'm putting the gif of it below, and you tell me if it is or isn't what happened.

This is just...disturbing

So Iori, Mai and Bogard team up and try to get Kyo to help, even though Kyo has Smallville-ike resolve to not becoming the hero he was destined to be. Boggard blows Mai's cover and it's all talk for a bit. Iori tires and uses the Magic Bluetooth to get to Rugal, who has arranged a bunch of mannequins. Iori fights the Lesbians, until they pin him down and then he hulks out. WIth the possesed by the dark hadou he makes short work of the Lesbians, but fails to kill Rugal.

Your motivation is mannequins  creep the hell out of you.

They talk for a million years, until Iori has another plan. Make KYO take on Rugal. Amazingly, he convinces Kyo to take a stab at it. Rugal, disapointed Mai isn't him, decides to beat  Kyo up and send him back to his own world alive. I do not know why he does this. He's been killing other fighters offscreen. In any case, it's good, because I'm sure Iori would have been kicking himself.

Kyo,and the gang are joined by the Matron Lady, who is in a wheelchair because remember, Rugal cut her tummy up with a katana. They decide they are all heading into Rugal's world because the movie's almost over and they must overcome their crippling fear of ganging up on  a guy. Then the Matron gets out of her wheelchair, because shit is serious. She's healed and I don't know why what or who made it. She should be shitting in a bag.

A long ass boring, poorly choreographed fight between Kyo(who has a Katana the whole time) Mai, Iori and Terry and Rugal and his amazing rape victims ensues.  It's broken up a bit when Iori hulks out and decides to fight Kyo, or when Terry decides he needs his hat from the game and punches it out of an unsuspecting old man. Our heroes use the Super trinkets and fail, Matron lady dies and then Kyo produces a magic fire-sword and throws it at Rugal's head with an effect not dissimilar to this.

He's riding the dinosaur train to hell.

Fuck this movie.

Look I like Charlies Angels, I enjoyed the Transformers series, and I bought Hoodwinked. I need you to understand I'm far from a film snob or an elitist. I enjoys movies you probably hate.This movie has stuff I crave in movies, like fireballs and interracial lesbianism so I feel I SHOULD like it. Still, this movie is so atrociously filmed, so boring so disparate and  so cliched no one can possibly enjoy it. Not even one such as I...

Fuck this movie forever.